A Woman, Without Apology
for orchestra

Commissioned by ROCO, with Richmond Symphony and Wisconsin Chamber Orchestra

“Conni Ellisor's A Woman without Apology is her personal testament to the strength and resilience of women in music that is strong, colorful, expressive and loveable.”

JoAnn Falletta

Featured on NPR’s Performance Today July 9 2025

Composer’s Note

A Woman Without Apology

Scrawled thoughts as I put down the pencil.

Quirky

A series of felt memories/experiences portrayed as the cartoonish exaggerated loves they are. Fragments amass toward wholeness, with dis-ease as a teacher.

Nonsensical, as is most of our living experience – so many rituals we must try to fit into but cannot.

Rigid, crazy waltz of childhood – forced to comply before I even knew a self.

So much darkness, so much Beethoven – the catastrophe of his life made me know I wasn’t alone as a child. So, I love me a German, Italian, French six chord. Tritones are like struggles; they resolve but never really end.

My favorite thing to distort and contort are the clichés of our lives. What we expect never arrives as expected.

Push the envelope.

Be whacked. Be better.

Wild swings of emotion

A life of somewhat bearable oppression. You can almost get used to it, especially if you smile and apologize. If you can’t change the song, just go along, or so they say.

Silly should never be used as a pejorative. Silly is something I aspire to. Light, funny, willing to laugh at herself – what’s not to love?

The healing theme that sneaks in as a reminder of truth, early on, appears only occasionally to one so caught up in fitting in, proving herself, playing the game.

The music runs fevered in my head, disturbing my meditations, destroying my peace.

I listen to this relentless mayhem and wonder if any part will appeal to a classical music audience.

Dramatic, romantic, over the top. Untamed and unruly as a toddler’s bedhead. And sometimes as joyful.

I have rhythmic and melodic motifs, I have harmonic constructs, almost all around VI chords and substitutions. My hope is that they will tie together the inane mess.

I must head to bed soon. I had a big ending that I’ve been working toward for weeks, but it was all demolished tonight in a singular revelation. If it’s an attempt at a tidy bow, it’ll be gone tomorrow.

There is no need to fit. Striving to please erases who we are.

Everything belongs. We all have a right to be here.